When things fall apart, 12

You might be wondering where part 11 is.

It’s private. Maybe some day I’ll make it public again. For now, all those posts are my for my eyes only.

Here’s what I know now:

I try and I fail. I fail at everything. This series of blog posts is supposed to be a recollection of the journey making it to a mental health hospital and getting help and hopefully being better.

But the truth is, my family thinks I’m manipulative. Maybe I am manipulative. The aunt I looked up to the most has blocked me on facebook. I’ve been called a brat. There’s been a misunderstanding of…everything.

My mom was supposed to get surgery. I didn’t want her to cancel it because of me. But she did. I asked her not to come to Taipei, and she’s respected that. But finally she just told me, she was going to come to Taipei.

And things fall apart.

I guess I’ve heard somewhere that before you can get better vis a vis AA, you have to hit your rock bottom. I don’t know what holding a knife to my throat in Brendan’s apartment was, but if it wasn’t rock bottom it was sure close. I’ve lost two good friends because of it. My family’s gone back to thinking I’m a monster.

So what’s the point? I write here, so I don’t have to keep it all inside, and I’m told I’m being manipulative because I’m telling “my mom one thing, and writing another”. I failed. Even the people who are supposed to love me don’t. Even my friend who came to take care of me has checked into a hotel room.

I have no energy. I’ll make it on the plane. I’ll make it to New Mexico, but after that? Every never in my body is screaming to just go far away.

Is it better to be alive and just a shell? To hold it all in? I feel like I can’t win. Maybe a blog wasn’t the best idea, but it is what is.

Everyone hates me. My Dad was right. My mom was right. My family when I was young was right. It’s all about me. I’m a selfish, stupid psychotic manipulative whore. One day at a time. One second at a time.

I’m an ant. I wish I were an ant. Sometimes I just wish I could have a lobotomy. IfI could just not be,,,here.

Everyone hates me.


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